But there is one place where the annoyances of being a nerdy girl are very noticeable: the game store. I have a particular store that I like quite a lot. It is a local place with great customer service and a nice selection of used video games. This store also happens to sell a lot of tabletop games, like D&D and Magic the Gathering. These games are where my problems start. Because of the large customer base for these type of games, the store often holds tournaments. And by often I mean every single time Omuraisu and I go in.

These tournaments are composed of large numbers of guys (and a few girls) sitting at tables near the entrance. Their position makes us have to walk all the way through all of them to get to the checkout counter and video games. Enter my problem: the looks I get when walking into that store.

It’s as if I am some sort of alien or freaky looking alien in a zoo. The guys stare at us all the way to the counter, and then strain their little eyes to figure out what we bought as we leave. Now I am aware that they aren’t looking at me because I am overly attractive. It is because I’m a girl and I’ve intruded into their “guy zone.” I’m not generalizing here guys, I’m just describing the guys in my game store. They don’t understand how I’m there without having “nerd” stamped all over my body somehow. They apparently think that it’s impossible that I might be there to get a game they think is cool, like Final Fantasy, because girls only play cooking mama and wii sports right (not that there is anything wrong with that)? I’m just a bit tired of being determined a lesser fan or nerd because of my gender. It’s just plain stupid.

I actually really like this store because it is the first game store in which the actual employees treat me like a human being (I’m looking at you freaking Gamestop). They never oggle or give me weird looks. But these customers drive me crazy. I’m there to shop just like them. I ought to be able to do so without wanting to escape their stares as quickly as possible. So hand me those Pokémon cartridges. I’m staying until you’re used to it.

Not creating some extended metaphor to float through the air

My family is still my family

Love, support, travel

But it’s a little different with my friends

They love with all their being

They lift with all their strength

They send me to far off places

I don’t know if “friends” is a good enough word

They say it and I have to explain:

“These people are more than what you’re imagining”

We can’t be separated so easily

That’s just how it works

Don’t ask how is happened.

It

Just

Is.

Not many of us were incredibly well adjusted in middle school. It is just impossible with our shiny braces and awkwardly long limbs swinging everywhere (I have never quite recovered from that one). My problem in my eighth grade English class became a girl named Kaylee (identity protected, although I doubt she would ever read this).

Kaylee seemed nice to the naked eye. She would talk to me, was very pretty, and super sporty. All of these factors made her super popular and well liked in my school. I had no real group to fit into as I was neither a “super nerd” nor “super athletic”, but I talked to her anyway. I didn’t realize til much later how mean she really was. She wouldn’t, after all, talk to me when cooler kids were around.

Here’s the worst thing that she ever did to me: the girl shamed me for getting good grades. Now I know it isn’t appropriate to lord getting good grades or intelligence over others. I’ve had people do that to me and it really sucks. But when people ask them to show me my grade, they need to shut up and accept the consequences. Kaylee didn’t take my A’s to her D’s very well (that was an appropriate boob comparison as well). She actually got mad at me and yelled at me for doing so well.

I am most embarrassed about my reaction because for a while, I let her make me feel guilty for doing well. I hid my grades from my peers and was ashamed of doing well in my best subject. Luckily, I was snapped out of that funk pretty quickly. Why in the heck should I be ashamed for succeeding? It was only later that I realized that Kaylee was projecting her grades onto me.

This may not seem like such a big deal to some people, but for someone who decided to found their life on being intelligent at a young age, it was hard for me. I am glad it happened though, because it started my slow transition into a person who doesn’t let others shame me for what I do and what I like. The result couldn’t have been better. So I guess I can thank Kaylee someday. Too bad I don’t really feel like it.

Some people wish I wouldn’t break the mold.

“Why do you wear so much on your face?”

Why don’t you get off my freaking case?

What do you expect me to do?

She doesn’t wear enough makeup for you.

You guys are never happy for a single day,

Because no one does everything your way

So stop telling me what to do, how to look, who to be

The only one who gets to decide is me.

I’m rolling on that crimson color ,

And doing my hair,

Watch me walk away with my middle finger in the air.

Girl after my own heart

This post is in direct response to a couple of things I’ve seen on Youtube lately. The first is Anita Sarkeesian, who runs the channel FeministFrequency. I discovered this channel on accident and really loved it. She focuses predominantly on tropes in entertainment and how they relate to and negatively impact women. I think that the things that she discusses are very valuable and underexposed. She also has never said anything that I would consider on the “extreme” side of Feminism (most of those examples are puffed up bullshit anyway, but she hasn’t said many things that I know make people mad at feminists as far as I can tell, and as a women’s studies minor, I have seen a lot of examples).

And yet, Anita Sarkeesian was a victim of some horrible cyber attacks due to her views. She began a Kickstarter to make a series of videos about women and tropes in video games (which is much needed, because there is a huge gap that women have to cross in the video game world). In response she was repeatedly attacked with verbal threats and internet bullying by many self-proclaimed video game lovers. They acted as if they were protecting the sacredness of their hobby or some craziness. There is more information about her bullying and response in her Ted Talk here.

Anita’s series

This whole fiasco reminded me of my own Youtube channel, on which I have posted ONE feminist video (It is my most viewed by the way, but not in a nice way). Let me emphasize that this video said nothing that even the average citizen would consider radical. I mentioned how nice it would be for women to be equal in aspects of society. I said that feminists were not loony escaped mental patients. THAT IS ALL.

Yet the responses in the comments were ridiculous. You would think I had burned down a children’s hospital. It is as if angry and insulting trolls crawl out of the woodwork as soon as they hear “feminism” whispered in a dark room. I was accused of being a communist (which I think is highly misused as an insult as most people don’t know what the term even means), and just plain stupid. I was patronized by people who told me that I was a “poor innocent girl who really doesn’t understand the world.” As if my opinions on women making their own life choices were the idealistic thoughts of a three year old!

I recently blocked commenting on that video because I can’t read the ignorant ideas anymore. But honestly I wonder why this happens. Most of the feminist channels I visit have their comments shut down as well. It reminds me of the horrible treatment many women receive in the nerd and fandom worlds as well. I can’t stand being labeled an “inferior fan” simply because I am a woman. And we all know it isn’t about the way I choose to like a show. It is about girls “intruding” into a man’s sanctuary.

Men on the internet, Youtube, in video games, or other mediums seem to lash out against the inclusion of women or their valid criticism because “it threatens what they love.” But honestly what subject hasn’t improved from a bit of criticism and deconstruction? These people want to scare feminists off the internet so that they can continue being comfortable. Wouldn’t life be easy if they didn’t have to listen to complaints that hit a little too close to home? Wouldn’t it be nice if games continued to cater to one group and focus on them as their main characters? I know, it would totally suck to have to play a girl main character, or read about one, or see one in your videos. How could you relate to them? Huh, I am forced to relate to a majority of male characters every day if I want to enjoy those mediums. See the problem?

Regardless, people need to realize that we should still be held accountable for our actions on the internet. You can be anonymous, but is that really gonna help you sleep at night after torturing someone for doing something they love and threatening them with rape (which happened to Anita multiple times)? You can still hurt people, and you are telling women specifically that their opinions are so unwanted that they warrant attack. It is unnecessary and cruel.

But you know what? You’re not getting rid of us so easily. Remember Anita? Well she got even more money than she expected because of rallied support, and she is doing those videos. History tells us that there is always backlash against movements and it never stops them does it? Women aren’t going to quit because you say we should be happy and that we’re equal. Because this bullying proves that we aren’t. And Youtube, please stop suggesting misogynistic response videos next to feminist ones. I know why they’re featured, but you are only pissing me off.  And don’t bother commenting on my feminist videos. Because your opinions are going to slide off me like water.

Summer classes also feel weird because the campus is totally empty yet I am still attending class. I find myself desperate for the end despite the relative shortness of the class. I just want my summer vacation to feel real. I don’t want to forget about my homework or leave work to sit in a freezing cold classroom for two hours. 

Mostly I hope that I have figured some things out by the end of this class. It is presenting a possible career choice for me but I have no idea if things will pan out or not. If I like it, then my career path and plans just became much less stressful. If I dont’ like it, then I have to stop thinking along those lines and figure out a new idea for my life. Neither of these options is bad or good, but I won’t know how I feel until the class is over. The anticipation is killing me. But don’t you worry too much because I have survived as a worrywart for long enough to know that it will pass.

Regardless, summer school gives me the strangest feeling of contradiction. Maybe I’m just thinking too much. Too bad I can’t help it. I live like an analyst, so sue me.

My desire to paint my nails always starts off well enough. I see someone else’s cute nails or a nice color on Pinterest, and I decide to attempt to paint my nails again. Things start off alright as I paint my left hand. There are a few mistakes outside of the lines, which drives my perfectionist side crazy, but I ignore it and continue. It is at this point that I realize that not only must I now paint will my non dominant hand, but said hand is also sticky with undried polish. My right hand looks like a disaster. I essentially paint my whole finger in an attempt to get a bit of polish on the nail.

Why won’t you love me?!

My nail polish escapades usually end in me putting on twenty layers of polish and topcoat in order to try to solve my problems with smoothness. I also somehow get cotton ball filaments stuck in the nails so that there are weird little bubbles everywhere. All of this persists, not to mention the problems when I take off the polish and my fingers are died weird colors and peeling away.

Maybe I just wasn’t made for nail polish, feminine or not. I pick at my own nails when they’re too long anyway, causing extra chipping and horrifying hangnails. I just want my nails to look pretty guys! I like bright colors!

Luckily, there is one time when nail polish succeeds; when I am procrastinating. I only want to paint my nails when I need to be doing something else. And that means that I’m painting them right now. So please don’t judge me. Or my blue fingers for that matter.

I have always been a clean and organized person. It is something that I have a natural talent for, although I would prefer my special gift to be in something like bringing about world peace or something like that. Alas, I only have cleaning, and I am so good at it that I find it pretty fun at times.

Mind you, I’m not talking cleaning in the way of wiping surfaces with chemicals or whatnot. I am leaning more toward the organizing side of things. I love to clear off surfaces, put things in drawers, and arrange items at right angles. I get a disturbing sort of glee from the result of a good organizing session. After cleaning my room, I find myself sitting on the bed and looking around in joy. I know where everything is. Everything has a spot. It is glorious.

I often wonder what my future significant other is going to say about my delightful habit. Most people would probably appreciate the built in cleaning woman, but on the other hand, it can get old. What if my poor dear boyfriend wakes up at 4 in the morning to find me sitting in the corner alphabetizing the DVD collection? What will he think then? In all honestly he’ll probably be pretty chill about it if he is already dating me (I have many crazier things that I do).

The real problem at this point with the cleaning is that it helps me to procrastinate. Cleaning is one of the most dangerous ways to procrastinate because it is “productive procrastination” as I call it. You feel so good that you’re getting something done that you don’t notice that you aren’t doing what you need to do. I can recall the time when I was studying for my last test. I was sitting on the bathroom floor, reorganizing the cabinet after a quick run through of  the kitchen cupboards. I hear Omuraisu say “Kate, are you organizing the bathroom right now?” I hesitated. “….No.” I was ashamed friends, by my inability to prioritize a thorough spring cleaning.

Alas, I cannot change. Although I may get better at prioritizing, if those books don’t get organized by height pretty soon, I won’t be able to resist. Speaking of…